mainly mothering

I’ve written this post twice now. My first attempt was negative and self pitying. My second attempt a tad whiney. I’ve been wallowing dear reader, and I am oh so bored of wallowing.

I don’t know if it’s a touch of PND, SAD, the ‘winter blues’ or the perfect combination of all three, but I’ve found this winter tough. I’ve lost myself to mothering and it’s a lonely, confusing place to be. I was turned down for a promotion at work this week. Yes I was interviewing for a job on maternity leave. No it was not through choice. But I suddenly found myself agreeing to up my hours, grasping at any sense of normality. Of a sense of self. I was putting my worth as a person into a job. I was considering going back to work early, finding new childcare, spending more time away from my children. None of which I want to do. I was so excited to drop down to three days a week when I had Robin. Yes to spend more time with her while she was tiny and all that lovely stuff, but also with the thought that, one day, I would have two days a week to write! So although my ego is bruised, its refocussed me. I have plans, and it’s okay to slowly chip away at them.

Right now I am mainly mothering. How I dress is dictated by how easy it is to access my boobs. How I wear my hair is dictated by post partum hair loss. My day revolves around nap times, where everyone’s next meal is coming from and how much chocolate I can get my hands on. But the synapsis are starting to fire. I mean, they’re pretty pathetic, but I’m getting the odd spark of inspiration. And this phase of being just ‘mummy’ won’t last forever. I’ve treated myself to some new clothes. I’ve been trying to walk (with a sleepy baby) every day (more on that later). And spring, my favourite time of year, is just around the corner.

The crocuses have flowered in my very neglected garden. The trees are in bud. The weeds I failed to pull up are growing again. They’ve all survived the long winter and you know what, I think I have too.

Watch this space pals. I’m meant for more than my day job. Just got to make it happen.

life on film

I bought a film camera. That’s right. 35mm film. The kind you have to load yourself without exposing it to too much light (definitely done that already). The kind you have to wind on, which you inevitably forget to do. Cue frantic winding and a muttering of ‘balls’ as you miss the moment. I’ve already sent a blank roll to be developed. That was a costly error. But I am loving using it. When my first roll of images came back confirming that my eBay purchase actually worked, I was ecstatic. I’ve loved the intentional way you have to use a film camera. You’ve got one shot, and you can’t check it. I’m also not blasting my way through film as it’s so expensive. So by the time I get my photos back from the developer, I’ve forgotten what the shots were. Seeing them arrive in my inbox really did induce a squeal, and a few tears. I'm very hormonal people, what can I say. Me and my old girl (a 1970s Pentax) have barely been apart. She’s wonderful.

five things of note

Please note that I am an affiliate of Bookshop.org and links to their website (clearly marked with a *), should you make a purchase, will put some pennies in my pocket. This is not my motivator for recommending books. Any books I recommend or wax lyrical about are genuine recommendations. Thanking you kindly ✌️

• Briefly, A Delicious Life* by Nell Stevens - one of the good things about being ‘nap trapped’ and walking so much, is that I’ve been getting a lot of reading done. I’m loving this historical fiction, narrated by a 14 year old ghost. Set in Mallorca, it’s an intriguing story of longing, family dynamics, outsiders and mystery. The narration sounds like it could be gimmicky, but it’s so clever. I’m in awe of Nell Stevens writing.

• The Lord of the Rings Virtual Challenges - because I need incentive to do anything these days, particularly any kind of exercise, I signed up for one of these Conqueror Challenges. Dylan and I are making our way to Mordor! After each stage you get a seriously beautiful medal. I have an affiliate link which gives you 10% off, but unfortunately you can’t use it for the LoTR challenges.

• Loved Before - a soft toy adoption centre. New adoptees are released every Monday and they donate at least half their profit to Make a Wish. I'm not sure how I came across this website but it's a lovely way to pass on soft toys and the arrive beautifully packaged.

• Stitch Fix - if you follow me on Instagram you'll know I was in a proper rut with my clothes, or any sense of style. I've been living in hoodies and tracksuit bottoms. Okay fine, pyjamas. So I treated myself to a ‘fix’ with Stitch Fix, an online personal styling service, and I loved what they sent me. They got my taste and needs perfect. I'm usually one for second hand and finding pieces slowly, but sometimes you just need someone to make decisions for you and make you feel human again. Lots of affiliate links today, but they're genuinely things that have made me very happy. Get £15 off your first fix.

• Jennifer Aniston in Allure magazine - oh I'm sure you've read this article already. I saved it ages ago, but I love Jennifer Aniston. She's really honest in this article about her fertility and how the press made her life so miserable with their constant speculation and outrageous claims. She also has beautiful female friendships and it made me want to make lots of dates with my own friends.